I entered this journey of life "eyes wide open".
I have always been the sensitive one & the truth-teller.
I don't know how to live any other way.
As long as I can remember I have had a strong sense of not belonging; of no one ever really "seeing" me.
And I know that none of them ever truly loved me.
I felt ugly, worthless & alone.
I was never enough..of anything.
Never worth loving.
The household I grew up in was constantly discordant, cold & troubled.
My mother was forced to leave when I was 5 years old (my brother a baby), by my father & step-mother.
My mother died in many ways that year & I was a witness to that cruelty.
We were brutally & heartlessly separated & my life was never the same after that
...I wasn't wanted.
From that point, absolutely none of my emotional needs were ever met & I ceased to have a voice.
I was constantly told that I was too sensitive & to JUST RELAX Catherine!
And never touched, hugged or told that I was loved.
I left home running, at just 17; yet found myself homesick.
I met Rob at the end of that year (another story).
He shared his music with me & it was one of his America LP's I was listening to in my upstairs room of a flat in Tinakori road Wellington, when I quite spontaneously experienced the most vivid & intense prophetic vision.
At first I saw my father all hot & sweaty & grunting with unceasing effort to build & construct & amass a "Life".
All around him was the city, concrete, heartless.
No shelter or respite.
A cacophony of sound...loud, blaring, discordant.
Sounds of construction & impatience.
The colours were monochromatically cold, soul depleting.
No place to rest, no place to shelter from the harsh grind & ceaseless striving.
No place to call home nor find rejuvenation.
My father built on & on but as fast as he was building all his efforts were being thwarted & breaking down so that he never accomplished what he had set his will to do.
Abruptly the scene changed:
Now there was a river, flowing fresh & strong.
All along the banks there were verdant, graceful weeping willows that provided shade & shelter from the summer heat.
Everything was vibrantly colourful & utterly serene.
Effortless harmony saturated every molecule of our being, our existence.
The aroma of freshly made bread baked with utmost love, wafted along the winding river banks & everywhere all at once.
Rob & I lived in this wondrous place of peace together; a place of abundance & surfeit & new life.
The sky was the forget-me-not blue of a pristine summers day; all the colours filled up our senses in a way that we had never known before.
In this place everything was felt deeply & with great joy.
Breath measured & full.
Touch exquisite & healing.
Food vibrant, fresh & nourishing.
Movement was without resistance or gravity, requiring no effort at all.
There were no tears or sadness or striving.
This place was a land of perfect peace.
This was heaven.