I was lost.
Realistically, this kind of damage, (let alone the compounded insult & impact of narcissistic abuse), are very difficult to recover from & healing will take a very long time.
My awakening this week was to realise that I am worth nourishing.
All those years I was starving, starving of real food, emotional support, acknowledgement or love; desperate.. for simple touch, assurance & a sense of belonging. I needed to know that I was safe & wanted, but that never arrived for me. Never given.
Even when wounds- emotional or physical- are cared for tenderly, the healing takes time, & poking at the injured place in our heart or on our body to see if the healing is "done" just inflames the injury & slows healing. When we trust that healing will happen, we can be patient. When we feel no such trust, we may need to lean into the experience of others whose seeing is not coloured by pain right now. We are built for healing- and I wonder sometimes if the time it takes is. . . .purposeful, a chance to learn how to treat the injuries in ourselves, others & the world with tenderness, nourishment & compassion. ~Oriah (Pic by the wonderful SimpLee Serene )
"When you choose self-loathing, and cut yourself off from the truth that flows naturally within you. Your connection to the source of your inherent goodness dries up and you lose the insight to the path of your highest good. This separation causes a feeling of powerlessness, an inability to act in alignment with your most authentic desires. You lose yourself and the ability to love the one you are. In energy medicine terms, you literally disconnect from your heart center and form a separate identity fueled by pain, fear and self-loathing."
"When you first start to wake up to the ways in which the conditioning from your childhood has influenced who you think you are, it's easy to fall into blame and judgment of your parents and others who influenced you when you were young. Yes, it's helpful to illuminate these patterns so you recognize that many conditioned behaviors are either the mirror of your parents or a rebellion against them. Underneath this conditioning lies the authentic YOU.
Once you realize where these patterns came from and stop identifying with your conditioning, you loosen the grip of how these patterns play out in your life, and this frees you. But you'll fall into another kind of prison if you start blaming those who conditioned you. Instead, open your heart. Realize that your parents were just as imprisoned by these conditioned patterns as you have been! They inherited them from their parents and passed them on to you, not because they're bad people or you were bad, but because they're unconscious. They know not what they do.
But you are blessed because you are no longer unconscious, so you now have a responsibility to break the patterns.
Adyashanti calls these conditioned patterns "generational suffering"- the anger, depression, addiction, abuse, resentment, bigotry, hatred, and anxiety that gets passed on from generation to generation. Adya says, "One of the interesting things to note about generational suffering is that it's not personal. In other words, it's more like a virus that infects the people within a family. It's a way of suffering that infects the family and then gets passed on, almost like the flu or a cold, through future generations. When you're born, without even knowing it, you're actually being handed this generational pain. In response, you will complain about it, think it's terrible, and otherwise resist it. But by doing so, you will come to see that denial or complaints about this pain only makes it sink more deeply into your being."
The good news is that you don't have to infect others with what has been passed to you. When you do the personal and spiritual growth work to heal from this suffering, you heal not only yourself; you cure the virus. You end the lineage, heal your family, and raise the vibration of the planet in doing so.
This requires radical compassion. It's so much easier to blame and judge those who hurt you than to forgive them. But by holding onto the resentment, you keep yourself in prison. The choice is yours. Will you choose to heal?
You can do this, darling. Your heart is that big. As Sara Bareilles sings, "Show me how big your brave is." You've got this. We believe in you."