Monday, 9 March 2015

The Dedicated Bluebeard: A Narcissist Picture

An excerpt & fascinating insight in to the narcissistic personality by Dr Clarisa Pinkola Estes:

Taken from here.
3. The dedicated Bluebeard. I have a theory. It comes from seeing, living, being in, and watching others be caught in long term crushing circumstances that demeaned daily, tormented body, soul, mind, heart and spirit, daily whether in childhood, adulthood, or both.

Because of the relentless cruelty that follows the initial 'honeymoon mr. or ms. smiley' phase, the insistence on mocking, harming, hurting, demeaning another human being who is said to never be 'enough,' -- and because of the abject failure of medicine, ceremony, psychotherapy to turn this dedicated circuitry of harming behaviours to transformation or to consistent good... my theory is, this is a form of mental retardation that is inborn.

In shrinkdom we note deeply that such a person has no conscience. They know what is right and wrong. They may even have a talent. But choose to do harm after first setting up the victim with over-flattery, trinket giving, time given in doe-eyed listening, every accoutrement of romance or soulmate-ness one might imagine.

Or by pretending to be wounded themselves, pretending to have given up on themselves, pretending to have been beaten down by myriad others. But they do not feel it. The words and actions are mimicry.

Because later, when all has deteriorated into constant attack, often in a living situation with the victim, the person lashing the other has no regret, no remorse about the harms they've done to most often, vulnerable others. They feel justified, for those they target are 'not enough,' do not serve them enough, are not worshiping enough, and so on.

There is another steep fact: A person so situated often has strong appetites of ego, to be worshipped, to be 'important', to be 'the one', to be served, to be pleased with food, sex, money and other.

The lack of ability to care that others can be deeply wounded is missing except for case-worked words, again in mimicry. This, in contrast to the fact that when confronted with the harms one has done to vulnerable others, the character-disordered person will often weep and say, 'What about me, what about my feelings! Look what he/she did to me. '

The redefinition away from self-accountablity, away from true remorse is remarkable in its self-orientation/ There is also, as in the Bluebeard story, often a controlling personality that appears to want to test the vulnerable person; if i do this to you, if i harm you this way or that, I expect you to still bow to me... and etc.

_____________________
CODA

I will end here for now. There is MUCH more to say, but I believe this lays out the three most common ways we can see false-face. One accidental fall into rush-power over others by being false. One creating false-facade perhaps for years for survival's sake.. in order to win life and freedom eventually hopefully. [I'd add, not to be gruesome, but just to gently remind... often a person pretending to be lover but secretly planning to do away with the tyrant-- is a motif in the oldest tales in scriptures as well as myths and folktales... not because it makes good stories, but because these carry truths about certain desperate circumstances faced by the sons and daughter throughout all of Time. ]

And the last, a pathological state of no conscience, repetitive hounding and harming of vulnerable others by first false-facing, then once the naive one is roped in, beginning the slow death of a million cuts and crushing of spirit, soul, mind, body, and heart... not to mention attempting to destroy the innocent person's creative life-- which is of the child Spirit.

I would remind too, that when the conscienceless person is left by the prey, or throws the prey to the side of the road as though dead, there is often enough a little line of needy and fawning people waiting to take the fallen's place.

They too may stay long in the torment, rationalizing, waiting for the moments of sunlight that came first, hoping for the return of that from time to time in the predator even in the midst of the black castle's gloom in the midst of the limbs of trees hanging black and withered in Bluebeard's forest.

Can we pray for all persons caught in the syndrome regardless of their attachment or recklessness with it all...Yes. Ever. However, I would say this. In the case of person without a conscience, I pray even more so, not only that they cease their predations, but that somehow, somewhere, someone finds a way to build a true conscience in those who appear to have not shared in that redemptive and transformative function of the psyche.

Think of it, conscience is what allows us to have mercy, to be compassionate beings, to sorrow over hurting, to aright ourselves, in part because we suffer when we veer from the inborn angel of peace and her sister, justice, and their brother, enduring love.

Let us hold all in prayer, those who suffer, those who have suffered so, those who have caused suffering, those who are currently causing such suffering ... and let us pray too for miracles yet to come that truly help to intervene before the fact in those without conscience, to come soon.

This comes with love,
dr.e

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Touch

A lovely post & so important to consider in the healing journey...

Our bodies are built for connection. Not just a casual hug or hand on the shoulder.
We’re built to thrive on love, and intimate touch is a natural physical manifestation of love. And by intimate touch I mean the kind that says ‘I’m right here, fully present with you, in this moment,’ rather than intimacy which is just about genital contact. It’s an intimacy which can be shared with anyone we love, not just sexual partners. Studies have shown that the cells in our bodies expand when they feel love and contract when they feel its opposite, and our ability to use our touch to transmit that energy to another is an innate gift which we all carry.
Modern society is moving further and further away from touch as a natural, integrated part of everyday life.
To fill the gap, we have created services that people buy and sell, but it’s not that same and we’re losing touch with our own natural ability to bring healing and pleasure to those close to us.
“Massage is needed in the world because love has disappeared. Once the very touch of lovers was enough. A mother touched the child, played with his body, and it was massage. The husband played with the body of his woman and it was massage; it was enough, more than enough. It was deep relaxation and part of love. But that has disappeared from the world. By and by we have forgotten where to touch, how to touch, how deep to touch. In fact touch is one of the most forgotten languages.” -Osho from ‘Hammer on the Rock’
Reawakening that ability for loving touch can be one of the simplest and most beautiful gifts to ourselves and our loved ones. At its most basic, just showing up and being willing to touch someone with the intention of bringing healing or love can be a comforting experience for another. And sometimes it’s as easy as that. We may shy away from placing soothing hands on an aching back or stroking a tense head, thinking drugs or a doctor are more efficient, or not wanting to spend the time. Surprisingly, though, it can be all that’s needed to shift a mood, lighten discomfort, or unlock a deeper emotional layer that’s ready to be cleared. More importantly, touch connects people and increases that sense of trust and love in the world in a way that doctors and drugs struggle to do.
In essence, reclaiming our ability to lovingly touch another—whether child, friend or lover—can be as straightforward as practicing the following four qualities. The more often we practice them, the deeper our touch can go.
Clear intention.
Be clear about why you want to touch another and stay focused on that intention. Are you intending to create a sense of well-being? Or pleasure? Or comfort? Whatever it is, be clear in your mind about it before you start. As an experiment, ask a friend to close their eyes and try two variations of the same touch—stroke their arm once while thinking of your favourite movie and then a second time while intending that they feel your love. Then ask if they noticed any difference.
LOVE.
It sounds simple to say ‘love the one you’re with’ but it’s not always that easy to access a feeling of love for someone at the drop of a hat. So find another way in to the energy—twiddle that internal dial until you find that feeling of love somewhere inside (try music, or the face of a lover, or the memory of a warm summer’s day). Use your mind or senses to find a catalyst that can bring you back to a deep feeling of love, then refocus the energy on the person you’re with.
Presence.
You can’t hear what another’s body is trying to say to you if your mind is busy, so bring that mind fully into the moment! Focus on the sensation of touch, or on synchronizing your breathing with the person you’re touching, if you need to have something to keep the mind busy with. Being present brings a stillness, and intuition reaches us through that stillness.
Trust.
Trust that you can bring a sense of well-being and love to another by touching them. Trust that somewhere deep inside, you know how and where to touch them. Then follow your instincts, get on with it and see where it leads you.
Feelings of pleasure and well-being aren’t just for the lucky one who’s being touched, either.
The beauty of feeling another opening under your touch and discovering the depths that can be hidden in the body brings with it a deeper connection to the mysteries of life as well as a sense of profound gratitude for this simple gift.~


--Freya Watson


Source:https://www.facebook.com/WildWomanSisterhood/posts/405505992932324:0

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Grief

Prayer for All to be Comforted

by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

May all those souls lost, rest in peace 
and those who are called, remain near us 
and help us from their spiritual home now. 

May those who have suddenly lost 
precious loved ones, be comforted 
not just by human beings, but by the angels 
who also 'look like' human beings, 
and by those angelic forces of nature,
of creatures, weather and winds
that ever come near to comfort the grieving. 

May all see signs of their loved one's
in beautiful ways. 
May all be given the time to mourn 
and be wrapped in fire walls
and protected in their mourning times. 

May all who question, why 
people still laugh in the halls
when there is so much tragedy
in one's own life,
why there is still the sun shining
when it is so cold and dark
from loss of one's loves,
why the moon can possibly still rise
when there is no light left inside us...

Please know that in these 
Great Beings of life rising
again and again, in innocent laughter,
in the beauty of sunlight,
in the magnitude of the moon 
those places and sights
are being held for us, 
held for us by others
living them, seeing them, cherishing them--
until the day that we will ourselves
emerge from walking and wandering
in the land of the dead, 
and come back to life again. 

Laughter and sun and moon
are the promises kept that 
our hearts one day, will be light again,
that our hearts will be in sunlight again,
that our nights will have beauty 
and reflection once again. 


"Prayer .... allows a huge river, an endless river within us, to flow and flow to all streams, all creeks, all artesian wells, all water tables-- 'out there'... all of which, we can help to fill daily, ESPECIALLY for those who come to the water daily, consciously or unconsciously looking to be washed, healed, thirst for life and means for life, sated for one more day. Ours is not to qualify who drinks from the water. Ours is just to cause the water to continue to flow." ~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (same posting)


Image: Art by Duy Huynh

Sunday, 20 July 2014

Being Highly Sensitive & Dealing With Narcissistic Abuse

One of the really big issues for me in dealing with Narcissistic Abuse & working towards recovery, has been to make sense of why I have felt so bad for so long, without relief. After 25 years, I am still so debilitated & highly sensitised....to life!! 
But in the last few months I have come across 3 or 4 profoundly useful teachings & concepts that have really, really helped me.
The first, is the fact, that I now understand that I am a Highly Sensitive Person.

Caroline at The Happy Sensitive is amazing & she puts it this way:
"Have you always known there was something “different” about you? Does the world seem to bombard your senses? Have you intuitively known things that others didn’t? Is it all pretty awesome EXCEPT: you’re so worn out, overwhelmed, emotional, stressed and maybe even medicated that you wonder how you fit in? (and how you fit into your life?"

 I knew I was on to something really important for me the second that I read these words.
Then, when I completed this short & simple self test quiz found here & I scored maybe 25 out of 27 I thought "oh-oh this really is me!" (there's a quiz for kids too here).
Apparently, one in 5 of us may, in fact, be some kind of Highly Sensitive Person.
Here I read that: HSPs can be extremely health challenged.
And
here, that "The characteristic of being a highly sensitive person is often inherited - a sensitive nervous system that affects every aspect of the HSPs life."

"The sensitive nervous systems of the highly sensitive people mean that they have strong emotions and empathetic natures. HSP intensity can make relationships difficult. Their desire for deep conversation can be uncomfortable to non-HSPs.There is some evidence that trauma may be a factor in HSP sensitivities. David Ritchey's H.I.S.S. questionnaire documented the prevalence of emotional and physical abuse among "anomalously sensitive people" his term for highly sensitive people. Elaine Aron warns that HSPs are more affected by a difficult abusive childhood and need to take special care to heal their wounds. HSPs do not heal that easily from wounds sustained in a relationship so relationships can be a challenge, and many HSPs chose to limit their relationships."

I am beginning to understand why my nervous system has been so overwhelmed by things that other people just take in their stride. Why, I'd love to have a cup of tea with you (anyone) & chat for an hour or so & that's all lovely, but if you come & stay in my house for days & want to chat again & again..I get overwhelmed & stressed & want to hide away on my own in the garden.
And most importantly, why it's taken so long to heal the wounds of my life...because the traumas were so many & diverse & sustained AND I am an HSP!

So when I read at The Happy Sensitive that 


"You..the intuitively gifted, emotionally perceptive, astutely sensitive and sensorily overstretched. I am like you, and it took me quite a while to figure out what that was exactly. You see, it all gets a lot better when you figure out what that sensitivity is exactly, how it works, and how you can best work with it, in your own unique way. There is nothing wrong with how you were built. It’s just that, you were likely told you were a mountainbike, when in fact, you are a less sturdy but very agile and fast racing bike. You’ve been driving yourself down muddy tracks and wondering why things felt so wrong. So here’s why, your way of relating to the world is different, your way of traveling through the world is different, and your way of knowing the world is different. You are definitely a bicycle, just a different type." 


I thought...oh phew, it's not just me!!


So....couple HSP with Narcissistic Abuse & you have a really sticky mixture, especially if the highly sensitive person is a child who lost her mother before the age of 6 & remains with the cause of that loss..the narcissistic father.

Caroline gives a very helpful reflection here:
Empathy vs Narcissism
Outwardly, there are some similarities between HSP-ness and narcissism. Internally, the difference is huge though.
While narcissists also appear “sensitive” they lack the needed introspection to see the need to change internally. So instead, they perceive all their own issues as a direct result from other people’s actions.
HSP’s on the other hand tend to blame themselves for a lot of things that are not their responsibility at all.
For HSP’s the combination of being self-blaming with hanging out with someone who is other-blaming (aka, narcissistic) often leads to a very negative downward spiral.
That’s why it’s super important for HSP’s to get knowledgeable about narcissism, how narcissists function, how to spot a narcissist and ultimately, how to heal ourself.


The thing is, the child is defenceless, open, unprotected from the choices or abuses of a messed up parent or care-giver; the patterns of stress, fear of loss & anxiety get set up in those early years & layer by layer, event by event, eventually become the parasympathetic default setting of physical, emotional & heart response in the core of the child. The damaged, sensitised & grieving child remains, even when we have long grown into adulthood. When, all through the years of loss & trauma there is no acknowledgement of the phenomenal losses (yet relentless expectation of high performance); when there is no comfort, touch, expressions of love or assurance that everything will be alright, the soul & heart of that child become indelibly stained with the narcissistic legacies of hopelessness & worthlessness. Life force fades to grey.

How to heal?

That is the monolithic challenge for the HSP child of a narcissistic parent.

In my quest for authenticity & meaning it wasn't long (18) before I was immersed in a new family dynamic that did not serve me well either. The "family" of Pentecostal Church was a catastrophe for a damaged HSP emapth like me. The messages of no right to be myself, must surrender all that I am: die to self!, only Christ in me matters, others always come first, loyalty to leadership no matter what or ostracism will follow, do not ever think for yourself or question the teachings, obedience is paramount...never trust your own understanding, forgiveness is my duty, always; never share your real feelings, giving is mandatory but receiving is not to be expected & on & on it goes....for 30 years.


If I do not know myself or like myself, if I am not valued, safe or loved I cannot even begin to love others well.


So, no matter the family of dysfunction I will never be well & thrive if I do not find my own voice & learn to like & accept every part of who I am....only than can I begin to love.


I remind myself again of this: (by Kaleah Roche) 
..."The clear answer is to get away from that person. The common thought is when you are no longer engaging with the narcissist in your life, you can make a speedy recovery. What people don’t often realize is that narcissism is like a virus that takes hold in your psyche and won’t let up. It is the toxic gift that keeps on giving. You can’t seem to get away from it; even after that person is long gone. It is as if the narcissist projects and dumps into your energy field all of his toxic garbage and then cuts off from you and moves on before it can catch back up with him, or her. You are left holding the bag! You are left recovering from the virus and it is a sticky virus. It is a long journey to recovery.
The journey involves post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive thinking, low energy, lack of vitality, heartbreak, betrayal, deception, feeling devalued and discarded, feeling abandoned, feeling replaced, feeling lost, crazy, frustrated, insecure, needy, and addicted. You may be feeling guilty as if you were to blame for it all. You may be feeling deep grief and sadness, emptiness, and loneliness. You may have lost your will to live. You may feel invisible, like you don’t matter. You may even feel you don’t exist at all. You are most likely feeling the lack of closure. You may feel a strong desire for revenge; wanting that person to pay for his or her sins against you. You may have lost everything, including your children, your home, your livelihood, your money and your health. You may feel that God has it out for you and possibly even lost your faith that there is any kind of God at all. You may be going through a dark night of the soul; a descent into darkness deeper than anything you have ever experienced. You may have dreams and nightmares about the narcissist in your life and feel haunted by the mere thought of him or her. You want nothing more than to get away but there is no place to run. You are plagued by a constant state of anxiety that won’t go away. You may have tried everything you could possibly think of to alleviate the symptoms and bring you some kind of peace.
Life as you know it is over. There is no going back to what once was. There has been a death; a death of a part of yourself it seems the narcissist has taken from you. You have lost a big piece of your soul and you want it back. You feel tied to that person through an invisible psychic cord that is very difficult to cut. Each time you try it seems the narcissist comes back either energetically or physically. Your energy is constantly being vampired; your life force energy; your lifeblood, sucked dry."

The next profoundly helpful teaching is an ancient concept: that of the Chinese Five Elements & the different personalities. I will write about this soon.   

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Negativistic Passive Agressive Personality Disorder

Rob's father was a highly ignorant, argumentative, belligerent & pessimistic person who, around mid adulthood developed an avid nazi obsession.
He was born in to poverty in East Grinstead, England in the late 1920's & lost his father around the age of 12. At 18 he decided to avoid conscription by running away with two older brothers to Kenya.
It was while there that he met Rob's mother, who had also emigrated from England , incumbent with unresolved, messy upperclass background. She settled on this man & chose to marry him, since a better offer never came along.
It was the very worst decision of her life.
The consequences have been utterly disastrous.
He was extremely destructive within the family setting.
I have come to believe that this man suffered from negativistic passive aggressive personality disorder.

Dr Sam Vaknin describes the traits of the order this way:

"Some people are perennial pessimists and have "negative energy" and negativistic attitudes ("good things don't last", "it doesn't pay to be good", "the future is behind me"). Not only do they disparage the efforts of others, but they make it a point to resist demands to perform in workplace and social settings and to frustrate people's expectations and requests, however reasonable and minimal they may be. Such persons regard every requirement and assigned task as impositions, reject authority, resent authority figures (boss, teacher, parent-like spouse), feel shackled and enslaved by commitment, and oppose relationships that bind them in any manner.
Passive-aggressiveness wears a multitudes of guises: procrastination, malingering, perfectionism, forgetfulness, neglect, truancy, intentional inefficiency, stubbornness, and outright sabotage. This repeated and advertent misconduct has far reaching effects. Consider the Negativist in the workplace: he or she invests time and efforts in obstructing their own chores and in undermining relationships. But, these self-destructive and self-defeating behaviours wreak havoc throughout the workshop or the office.

People diagnosed with the Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder resemble narcissists in some important respects. Despite the obstructive role they play, passive-aggressive's feel unappreciated, underpaid, cheated, and misunderstood. They chronically complain, whine, carp, and criticize. They blame their failures and defeats on others, posing as martyrs and victims of a corrupt, inefficient, and heartless system (in other words, they have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control).

Passive-aggressive's sulk and give the "silent treatment" in reaction to real or imagined slights. They suffer from ideas of reference (believe that they are the butt of derision, contempt, and condemnation) and are mildly paranoid (the world is out to get them, which explains their personal misfortune). In the words of the DSM: "They may be sullen, irritable, impatient, argumentative, cynical, skeptical and contrary." They are also hostile, explosive, lack impulse control, and, sometimes, reckless.

Inevitably, passive-aggressive's are envious of the fortunate, the successful, the famous, their superiors, those in favour, and the happy. They vent this venomous jealousy openly and defiantly whenever given the opportunity. But, deep at heart, passive-aggressive's are craven. When reprimanded, they immediately revert to begging forgiveness, kowtowing, maudlin protestations, turning on their charm, and promising to behave and perform better in the future."

This was him absolutely except the craven aspect.
Interestingly passive-aggressiveness has a lot in common with pathological narcissism!
Notes borrowed gratefully from here.

Family life went along fairly well while they lived in Kenya. Two sons were born to them & the father had work. As the years went by, there was steadily increasing violence & unrest in Kenya..it was the time of The Uprising & soon it became evident that the family was no longer safe to live there & so they emigrated to New Zealand by ship in 1963.
They eventually settled in West Auckland, an eccentric & odd little family that now included the mother-in-law, who had escaped the hostilities & her much younger drunken French husband, by traveling with them.
As a young married couple Rob's parents were to face the reality that the father was suffering from ankylosing spondlytis (even after extensive treatment back in England & leaving his young wife to give birth alone in Nairobi) he was to break his back by throwing a wheelbarrow in an act of rage at the "Blacks" & suffered in great pain with rapid & continual deterioration once living in New Zealand.

By now there was a third son, the mother became a born-again christian & simultaneously became an irresolute Religious Passive Aggressive Controller. Having realised that her rebellious act of marriage had brought about unforeseen & difficult consequences she went about setting this "right" by loving & defending her sons & husband with an unconditional love that refused to allow the slightest criticism of them or their behaviour or attitudes. She unswervingly believed God would transform them all (sons) in to wonderful men & make them all Pastors that she could be so proud of. He would also save her husband from himself!
In those early years, in their new home with their young sons & mother-in-law living downstairs, the father birthed an interest which became an obsession, in all things nazi & third reich. He admired & worshipped their might & prowess. Over time, he secretly sent for & imported nazi memorabilia which he stored in a shrine up in the apex of the house; a windowless space that was only accessible by clambering up through the linen cupboard in the hall. He indoctrinated his three sons in hatred, bigotry, racism & every pessimistic & negative attitude: including rebellion to authority. 
The eldest son left home at 16 & went to sea, eventually captaining a survey ship (ultimate control) practicing extreme martial arts & marrying a prostitute. Her son was to kill himself by drug overdose at the age of 22 & her demise was messy, long, painful & also thoroughly premature. The mother-in-law adored this woman & was devastated at her death, yet rejected her other two daughters-in-law entirely; going on to spread lies, cast aspersions & create division amongst us all over decades. Somehow she could only relate to the broken & grotesque....you just have to see the "beautiful people" inside.
The youngest son became a rebel, a Westie & a drug addict who was never the full picnic & eventually broke his own family by buying into the maternally schooled religious deception that God was in charge, he didn't need to "own" anything, think for himself, apologise ever or change in any way. God would fix everything for him, given time. This was The Will of God & mustn't be doubted.  
  
The consequences: an entirely broken family, an appalling & destructive legacy that sticks like poo & a struggle for freedom of soul for Rob that has been debilitating & painful & almost destroyed our marriage.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Gently Healing..It Takes Time

When we have been deeply wounded, especially when there has been trauma in those first crucial (crucible) years of life, the wounds go deep & sit in the cellular memory, we may not have any conscious idea as to why we react the way we do or even how we really feel about particular things. I always recognised my own misery & voicelessness but I had no idea that I was also trapped in grief...literally grief-stricken. At first I lost my mother (brutally & abruptly) & simultaneously my core family of origin. I had no idea then, that from the age of 6, I would struggle for survival, to be me for the next 47 years. The losses continued, marriage after marriage (fathers), "home" after home, my brother's marriages-his wives, my friends- abruptly gone. All gone forever. Connection broken...
I was lost.
Realistically, this kind of damage, (let alone the compounded insult & impact of narcissistic abuse), are very difficult to recover from & healing will take a very long time.

My awakening this week was to realise that I am worth nourishing.
All those years I was starving, starving of real food, emotional support, acknowledgement or love; desperate.. for simple touch, assurance & a sense of belonging. I needed to know that I was safe & wanted, but that never arrived for me. Never given.
  

Even when wounds- emotional or physical- are cared for tenderly, the healing takes time, & poking at the injured place in our heart or on our body to see if the healing is "done" just inflames the injury & slows healing. When we trust that healing will happen, we can be patient. When we feel no such trust, we may need to lean into the experience of others whose seeing is not coloured by pain right now. We are built for healing- and I wonder sometimes if the time it takes is. . . .purposeful, a chance to learn how to treat the injuries in ourselves, others & the world with tenderness, nourishment & compassion. ~Oriah (Pic by the wonderful SimpLee Serene )

"When you choose self-loathing, you separate from the­ essential self and cut yourself off from the truth that flows naturally within you. Your connection to the source of your inherent goodness dries up and you lose the insight to the path of your highest good. This separation causes a feeling of powerlessness, an inability to act in alignment with your most authentic desires. You lose yourself and the ability to love the one you are.  In energy medicine terms, you literally disconnect from your heart center and form a separate identity fueled by pain, fear and self-loathing."
http://www.kinesiology-brisbane.com.au/energy-medicine-mondays-learning-love-through-rejection/


"When you first start to wake up to the ways in which the conditioning from your childhood has influenced who you think you are, it's easy to fall into blame and judgment of your parents and others who influenced you when you were young. Yes, it's helpful to illuminate these patterns so you recognize that many conditioned behaviors are either the mirror of your parents or a rebellion against them. Underneath this conditioning lies the authentic YOU.

Once you realize where these patterns came from and stop identifying with your conditioning, you loosen the grip of how these patterns play out in your life, and this frees you. But you'll fall into another kind of prison if you start blaming those who conditioned you. Instead, open your heart. Realize that your parents were just as imprisoned by these conditioned patterns as you have been! They inherited them from their parents and passed them on to you, not because they're bad people or you were bad, but because they're unconscious. They know not what they do.

But you are blessed because you are no longer unconscious, so you now have a responsibility to break the patterns.

Adyashanti calls these conditioned patterns "generational suffering"- the anger, depression, addiction, abuse, resentment, bigotry, hatred, and anxiety that gets passed on from generation to generation. Adya says, "One of the interesting things to note about generational suffering is that it's not personal. In other words, it's more like a virus that infects the people within a family. It's a way of suffering that infects the family and then gets passed on, almost like the flu or a cold, through future generations. When you're born, without even knowing it, you're actually being handed this generational pain. In response, you will complain about it, think it's terrible, and otherwise resist it. But by doing so, you will come to see that denial or complaints about this pain only makes it sink more deeply into your being."

The good news is that you don't have to infect others with what has been passed to you. When you do the personal and spiritual growth work to heal from this suffering, you heal not only yourself; you cure the virus. You end the lineage, heal your family, and raise the vibration of the planet in doing so.

This requires radical compassion. It's so much easier to blame and judge those who hurt you than to forgive them. But by holding onto the resentment, you keep yourself in prison. The choice is yours. Will you choose to heal?


You can do this, darling. Your heart is that big. As Sara Bareilles sings, "Show me how big your brave is." You've got this. We believe in you."
https://www.facebook.com/lissarankin

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

The Right To Be Here...

Since I set my intention to "bloom" at the beginning of this year, my life has been plunged in to the deep. Many times, I thought that I might drown, but in this moment I have come up for sweet, fresh air..
& I breath deep & slowly.
It is often reflected that in the struggle & the places of pain & confusion that we go deepest & learn the most; I feel certain that this is true. 
Having not found the answers, release or support all these years in the conventional places, I have cast my net wider in these last months & gathered in knowledge & understanding that is beginning to look like genuine hope & give me tools that I have never had before.
Just yesterday, when I opened a page & saw Susan Brown's "Eve"...I was so moved & startled that I burst in to tears. I saw myself looking back in the mirror..my soul, my essence.
I have now come to understand that you get really, really messed up when you are the child of a narcissistic abuser. I have been looking at myself reflected in the mirror my father held up, all these years. What I saw was his disgust & disdain. I have been washed & washed with his anger, rejection, dumping & blame & most of all, I realised this week...I was trained & conditioned to carry a sense of guilt about almost everything..EVERYTHING!!! It's hardest of all, I believe, to escape the prison the narcissist creates when you are a daughter. When you are in a romantic relationship with someone as an adult..you made that choice to enter in to the liaison & even wives can come & go; but a daughter schooled by a clever narcissist is in an untenable & very painful position. There are no divorce proceedings for father/daughter relationships. Divorce or the ending of an adult relationship provides a barrier, a buffer, a justification for your distance, boundary settings & new choices. In the parental trap...the power was never yours, you never had a voice & you didn't believe, deep down that you had the right to exist, so you are nothing. 
As I have struggled with my feelings of self-disgust & hating the little girl..I couldn't even look at her & I felt no compassion..why?? Was I so awful, so terrible, so unlovable? Why did I see her as ugly & feel disgust & dis-passion? Because I had been conditioned, systematically through 50 odd years. All the private abuse sessions listing all my wrong doings...out of nowhere, unprovoked, unbidden, unjustified. I was fat & that was disgusting, I was thoughtless, I wasn't a team player & I didn't pull my weight. I was lazy & I should have known, I was useless & stupid & let everybody down............   
Not one word of love or affection, not one kind touch or gesture.
And never, ever through all the decades..an apology.

But no more.
No longer will I look in that mirror..
allow myself to be perpetually locked in the cupboard of shame.
I have the right to be here, 
to be me,
just as I am.

These snippets below have come to me today.
They strengthen my truth & understanding.
I am not alone.

Elan Golomb's book..
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists & their Struggle for Self 
In this compelling book, Elan Golomb identifies the crux of the emotional and psychological problems of millions of adults. Simply put, the children of narcissist -- offspring of parents whose interest always towered above the most basic needs of their sons and daughters -- share a common belief:

 They believe they do not have the right to exist.
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

"Empathy, Pity or Emotional Contagion? 

Empathy is distinct from sympathy, pity, and emotional contagion. Sympathy or empathic concern is the feeling of compassion or concern for another, the wish to see them better off or happier. 

Pity is feeling that another is in trouble and in need of help as they cannot fix their problems themselves, often described as "feeling sorry" for someone.

Emotional contagion is when a person (especially an infant or a member of a mob) imitatively "catches" the emotions that others are showing without necessarily recognizing this is happening."

An excerpt from Kaleah Roche's book Healing Narcissistic Abuse & finding your true self 

"Most people don’t understand that recovery from narcissistic abuse is a traumatic experience. The one thing I hear more than anything else from my clients is “nobody understands my pain; not even the therapists I have seen.
If you are suffering from such a trauma, people will tell you “just get over it already!” Therapists will work to help you with your self esteem but most often won’t address the trauma. Ironically your therapist will often be the one who tells you the person you are struggling to overcome is a narcissist. Your therapist is often the one to diagnose you with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But how do you really cope? That remains a mystery for sufferers and therapists alike.
The clear answer is to get away from that person. The common thought is when you are no longer engaging with the narcissist in your life, you can make a speedy recovery. What people don’t often realize is that narcissism is like a virus that takes hold in your psyche and won’t let up. It is the toxic gift that keeps on giving. You can’t seem to get away from it; even after that person is long gone. It is as if the narcissist projects and dumps into your energy field all of his toxic garbage and then cuts off from you and moves on before it can catch back up with him, or her. You are left holding the bag! You are left recovering from the virus and it is a sticky virus. It is a long journey to recovery.
The journey involves post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive thinking, low energy, lack of vitality, heartbreak, betrayal, deception, feeling devalued and discarded, feeling abandoned, feeling replaced, feeling lost, crazy, frustrated, insecure, needy, and addicted. You may be feeling guilty as if you were to blame for it all. You may be feeling deep grief and sadness, emptiness, and loneliness. You may have lost your will to live. You may feel invisible, like you don’t matter. You may even feel you don’t exist at all. You are most likely feeling the lack of closure. You may feel a strong desire for revenge; wanting that person to pay for his or her sins against you. You may have lost everything, including your children, your home, your livelihood, your money and your health. You may feel that God has it out for you and possibly even lost your faith that there is any kind of God at all. You may be going through a dark night of the soul; a descent into darkness deeper than anything you have ever experienced. You may have dreams and nightmares about the narcissist in your life and feel haunted by the mere thought of him or her. You want nothing more than to get away but there is no place to run. You are plagued by a constant state of anxiety that won’t go away. You may have tried everything you could possibly think of to alleviate the symptoms and bring you some kind of peace.
Life as you know it is over. There is no going back to what once was. There has been a death; a death of a part of yourself it seems the narcissist has taken from you. You have lost a big piece of your soul and you want it back. You feel tied to that person through an invisible psychic cord that is very difficult to cut. Each time you try it seems the narcissist comes back either energetically or physically. Your energy is constantly being vampired; your life force energy; your lifeblood, sucked dry."

“While much psychology emphasizes the familial causes of angst in humans, the cultural component carries as much weight, for culture is the family of the family. If the family of the family has various sicknesses, then all families within that culture will have to struggle with the same malaises. There is a saying cultura cura, culture cures. If the culture is a healer, the families learn how to heal; they will struggle less, be more reparative, far less wounding, far more graceful and loving. In a culture where the predator rules, all new life needing to be born, all old life needing to be gone, is unable to move and the soul-lives of its citizenry are frozen with both fear and spiritual famine.” 
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

Root Chakra Affirmations:
I feel deeply rooted.
I am connected to my body.
I feel safe and secure.
Just like a tree or a star, I have a right to be here.
I stand for my values, for truth, and for justice.
I have what I need.
I am grounded, stable, and standing on my own two feet.
I nurture my body with healthy food, clean water, exercise, relaxation, and connection with nature.
I am open to possibilities.
I am grateful for all the challenges that helped me to grow and transform.
I trust in the goodness of life.
I make choice that are healthy and good for me.
I trust myself.
I love life.

The root or base chakra is the place of anchorage & grounding & I bet it is in real chaos when you are a narcissistic abuse survivor.

"Anger always seems to be directed towards another individual but the real truth about anger is anger is not angry at anyone else besides self.  (concerning narcissism at least)

We are angry at ourselves for being gullible and naive. We are angry at ourselves for being deceived, taken advantage of and hurt. We are angry at ourselves for trusting and believing even when the signs were pointing in the opposite direction. We are angry at ourselves for not taking a stance and making a difference when we should've; we are angry at ourselves for lacking courage and determination.

Forgive yourself for being naive, forgive yourself for being blind, forgive yourself for being gullible, forgive yourself for lacking courage, forgive yourself for all of your shortcomings so that you are finally able to be free. Free from the anger that is held within, free from the anger that you believe is caused by another individual when the real reason why that anger hasn't been released is because it is directed towards self. Self is being blamed for not protecting itself (you) the way it should've, for not seeing the obvious when it should've, for not helping and making a difference when it should've, for not having the courage and determination when it should've. Free yourself from all the anger and hate directed towards self. Don't be deceived that the anger you hold within is directed towards another individual, know that you are angry at yourself and let it go by forgiving yourself."

Oluwaseun Simoné

"The back stabbing and smear campaign. Again just a few comments on this phenomenon that a narcissist plans out so carefully to administer more punishment, cover up their abuse, destroy people's character, use as a "woe-be-me" line to suck in new supply, and many other reasons to carry on their psychopathy to be all they can be in their battle against the world. My point is how many times have you heard the narcissist say that they have never said a bad word about you to anyone, but yet you have proof of their destruction coming at you from every possible direction, even in writing. Then they counter it with comments that we should move on because we are scorned, obsessed, seeking attention, and trouble makers - that's the kettle calling the pot black. I would always get mentally ill, or I was the one that had affairs, or my narcissist was praying for me, etc., etc., etc., added to the list. Well of course we all know they are quite possibly the biggest liars in the world or even the universe, and there is no way of getting around what they lie about because in their heads it is carved in stone. They could open a conversation with a list of how we are probably the worst person in the world and debase us to our face, but in the next statement say they have always talked kindly about us and NEVER EVER in a negative way - then say "tell your family I said hello." Indeed, that is what my family wants to hear as if the narcissist totally forgets that they abused them as well. Along the same lines we are left to deal with the back stabbing/smear campaign, while they run off like the cowards, even crying more about how it was us that was abusing them with the one or two supporters that believe their BS. First off (in my case) one person could never be everything my narcissist made me out to be, or they would have put me away years ago. Second, they are actually projecting what THEY have actually done to us, and we know they are the guilty ones here, but we end up damned if we do or damned if we don't deal with their integrity assassination - either way we will seem guilty by association. In reality it is best to completely step away from these monsters and let the chips fall where they may because we can't pick up all of the pieces because we generally never know who or whom they have spread their vicious lies to and what they said. In their delusional world there are no rules or laws they abide by, so they generate an incredulous story about us and even believe it - they forget this even when they talk to us and tell us their made up stories like we don't know the truth. Generally we have lived on this earth long enough that most people know our characters well enough to walk away from a narcissist that shows signs of being rabid, and these are the people that count in our lives, not the ones that get charged up with the narcissists destruction. I go back to the statement above that a narcissist lives in a disordered world full of convoluted lies and delusions about us and especially about themselves and that is written in stone in their heads - you can't make them any part of your life or think they will do anything but continue to abuse us if you allow them to. I learned many moons back that NO CONTACT was the only way to get them out of your lives - unfortunately until I learned this I had to endure a few months of crazy making - but I processed it in a manner that help me define the psychopathy and find out the truth about this person. If I could offer one piece of advice it would be this; from the moment you know they are a narcissist go no contact and never look back - it is so much better on the other side!!! Greg" from the Facebook page After Narcissistic Abuse There is Light, Life & Love.

"Regarding the critical injury to adult children with narcissistic parents. Interestingly, many such people have no problem finding "love."

But deep affection does not satisfy them unless accompanied by the granting of "voice" by a powerful person. As a result, adult children of narcissistic parents often go from bad relationship to bad relationship in search of "voice."

For parents, the implications are clear. Love is not enough. Client after client has taught me this unequivocal lesson:

If you want to raise emotionally healthy children, you must give them the gift of "voice."

(About the author: Dr. Grossman is a clinical psychologist and author. )"

"One of the most profound lessons of narcissistic abuse is getting over the loss of our true voice (our essence) being transgressed by the over-controlling, over-powering, reality dominating, and identity replacing projections of the narcissist."